I Am Running For Mayor Of Boston.
Our beloved Menino is leaving office (had to happen sometime) and at last count, there are twelve people running to fill his shoes as Mayor of Boston. I checked out all the candidates’ websites, and surprisingly, there are several that I like. They have great ideas about important issues like affordable housing, education, climate change, and gun violence. They even offer some plans to improve Boston’s nightlife and develop local arts.
But you know who else has good ideas? Me! So I figure I may as well run, too. After all, I’ve called Boston my home for a couple of decades now, and there are some things about this city that bug me. Some stuff that needs fixin’.
I mean, what the hell? With this many candidates, I have as much a chance as anyone else, right? But I don’t have any money for lawn signs and TV commercials, and I’m not going to ask people to contribute to my campaign. Also, I don’t want to make any boring speeches. Instead, I’ll present you with my platform, and you can simply write me in if you like. No presh.
- Let’s start with the T. Under my leadership, the MBTA will be free. Here’s my novel idea: I believe the T should be paid for by those people who DON’T have to endure the misery of riding it…you know, all those people who have living wages. We’ll tax those lucky bastards.
- The B line will have two separate cars: one for students and one for people who, like, actually LIVE here. (The former will run only sporadically; those kids are young enough to walk anyway.)
- We will immediately stop the wasteful practice of printing bus schedules. We all know there is no such thing as a bus ‘schedule’; the buses just come whenever (or not ever). Imagine how much money this will save. You’re welcome.
- Moving on to pedestrian issues: When I was in California earlier this year, I was fascinated by buttons that ACTUALLY make the lights change from ‘DON’T WALK’ to ‘WALK’. It seems we have the technology available here in Boston; we are just not utilizing it. I will get someone on this.
- There will be a $1,000 fine for anyone who doesn’t pick up their dog shit. I’ll get the local homeless people to police this, and they’ll get a 50% cut on the proceeds.
- ‘Quality of Life’ issue: If you are trying to sleep and you hear a car alarm going off repeatedly, it will be legal to take a sledgehammer to the car’s windshield.
Some other random ideas, as they come to me…
- That old Chinese lady who collects all the bottles and cans at Gay Pride (and other events) will be given a salary and title: Commissioner of Recycling.
- The old Tower Records space will become a museum where young people can go and look at exhibits of LP’s, cassette tapes, and CD’s. They will learn about when artists used to make well thought-out albums with actual themes, complete with artwork and liner notes. Us older folk will regale them with stories about how we used to not only browse and shop there, but would use it as a meeting place because cell phones didn’t exist yet. (“Meet me at Tower around 7:00.”)
- What the hell is going on with the Filene’s space? Can we just get SOMETHING there? A Target, or a Uniqlo? Or maybe even a JCPenney…OMG, you guys, have you been to a JCP lately? They have so many cute things. Also, I remember hearing that Filene’s had a zoo on the roof at one time. Ummm, let’s do that again, that seems fun.
- While we’re at it, why not put a roller coaster on top of the John Hancock Tower?!
- Jacque’s will be allowed to stay open 24 hours. And anyone who lives in the Bay Village who doesn’t like that can kindly move somewhere else.
- Like Menino, I will refuse to march in the hateful St. Patrick’s Day parade. But I will go one step further: I will enact a ‘Gay Tax’ on any services that parade participants use that require the employment of a member of the gay community. If you want a well-decorated float or a cute outfit, or if you wanna get your hair did, you gonna pay for it.
- Also: A giant fence will be erected around Southie two days before St. Patrick’s Day, and will be taken down two days after the ‘holiday’. This will keep revelers contained during their 5-day drunkfest, and protect the rest of us from the horror of running into them.
That’s all I can think of for now, but I’m sure I’ll come up with some more ideas once I’m in office. I believe my platform will help to make Boston a ‘STRONG’-er city, and a nicer place to live. After all, Boston has the potential to be the greatest city in the world (once you get rid of the students, sports fans, and stranglehold of the Catholic Church).
Can I count on your support?